Forgiveness - A reflection

As I think about the infinite realities

That are playing out

At this very moment

Time slows down

And I notice my thoughts

My mind being filled with

Mundane tasks

Painful memories

Analyses of the

People in my life

Replaying

Of memories

Still filled with shame

Embarrassment

Disappointment

And I go into this state

Of detachment

Do these memories come up for me

When I’m feeling most shamed?

I wonder

In another reality

Have I come to terms with my past?

Is there something

To come to terms with?

I think about the soul contracts

That may have been made

In my deciding to come

In human form

And I think about forgiveness

For most of my life

I had a strong aversion to forgiveness

Not what it means to others

But what it meant for me

It was as though

To forgive was synonymous with

“it’s okay”

And yet

I can hear others in my mind say

That forgiveness doesn’t say it’s okay

But rather

That you understand where they were

And you no longer give them power over you

But my insides would wrestle

With words that felt like excusing of behavior

As though forced to take a role of

Empathizing with the other person

To walk in their shoes

To see why they could have possibly done what they did

But

I still don’t believe that’s what forgiveness is

I think about the saying

“forgive and forget”

And others saying

“I forgive but I never forget”

What, then, is forgiveness?

With the shake of my head

I instead focus on acceptance

Accepting that something awful happened

Accepting the feelings that come up with it

Not pushing the memory away

Nor the feeling

Instead, I lean in

I push aside the soil

Excavating jewels

My meaning from the pain

That now decorate my story

Perhaps forgiveness

Is seeing the light in someone

Helping them to amplify that light

Helping them draw strength from that light

Direction from that light

To live in a way

That is fulfilling

And divine

Perhaps forgiveness

Is what lies

Within the person

To hold

And let go