Happy new year

*initially written on April 18th, 2021

Today I decided

To celebrate the land, people, and community

In which my blood ties me to

For the first time

I identify foods that I loved eating as a child

I grab ingredients from memory

Flashes of your brown hands

Grabbing, mixing, and pouring

I thought this holiday was a chance for me

To feel more connected

To my people

But I had no idea

My desire was also influenced

By a want to feel more connected with you

I experience a block when I look at the kitchen

Ingredients ready for me

To alchemize them into reincarnations

Of the food I once had

And I realize that I must clean the home

Before preparing the food

And so I cleaned

I scrubbed out the stains in the carpet

As though you would sit near it

I vacuumed in triangle patterns

As though your feet would walk across them

I sanitize the bathroom

As though to protect you

I air out my home

As though to make it easier for you to breathe

I prepared my home for you

And I wept like hiccups

Inconsistent small bursts of tears break through

And silence would follow

Until another burst occurred

I return to my kitchen

Play music

Pour myself a drink

And get to work

My body knew what to do

And I watched my brown hands

As they grabbed, mixed, and poured

Announcing to myself

I am a Cambodian woman

I am the extension of my mother, my grandmother, and her mother

I hold the name of them

Between the names that I am known by

And I feel connected

In a way that no longer felt lonely

I no longer felt separated by years, land, nor ocean

I felt like the brown hands of the women

Before me

Were grabbing, mixing, and pouring with me